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Ερώτηση
Hi,
I'm looking for guidance with a serious problem that seems to be ruining my life. I'm 27 and have been married to my husband for over 5 years. Here's my problem:
I've been in love with one of my closest friends for over 10 years. We used to date casually when we were about 19 or 20, but we were both too flaky to declare an official relationship. Then, we drifted apart, but kept in close contact via phone and email. I'm still madly in love with him and can't think about anyone or anything else. My husband has no idea, but I think he knows that he loves me more than I love him. I'm worried that I will never have a chance to be with my friend as long as I'm married. I'm almost willing to end my marriage and just see how it goes with my friend. But then, what if it turns out that he doesn't love me and I've thrown away my marriage for nothing? I tried to ignore the problem for a long time because I was sure my feelings would fade, but they haven't. I just don't know what to do. I know what I want--my friend--but I don't know whether he wants me. And I don't want to end my marriage with a man who loves me so much when there's a good chance that one else will ever love me like he does.
Do you think I should continue ignoring my feelings about my friend?
What will happen if I leave my husband and then find out that my friend isn't interested in me? I might die!
What if my family hears about me having another failed marriage--great, I can hear their judgmental voices already! I hate my family!
Will I ever be happy if I don't at least try to find out how my friend feels about me? Seriously, I would drop everything in one second to be with him if I knew he loved me. There's no question--I would do anything for him.
I'm heartbroken thinking that I'll never know what it's like to share true love with another person because I don't feel this way about my husband.
Thank you in advance for any guidance or advice you can provide. I feel so stupid that I have to write a letter to a stranger because I have no friends or family that I can talk to about my problems. How is it possible that I don't have a single person in my life to turn to...
I'm looking for guidance with a serious problem that seems to be ruining my life. I'm 27 and have been married to my husband for over 5 years. Here's my problem:
I've been in love with one of my closest friends for over 10 years. We used to date casually when we were about 19 or 20, but we were both too flaky to declare an official relationship. Then, we drifted apart, but kept in close contact via phone and email. I'm still madly in love with him and can't think about anyone or anything else. My husband has no idea, but I think he knows that he loves me more than I love him. I'm worried that I will never have a chance to be with my friend as long as I'm married. I'm almost willing to end my marriage and just see how it goes with my friend. But then, what if it turns out that he doesn't love me and I've thrown away my marriage for nothing? I tried to ignore the problem for a long time because I was sure my feelings would fade, but they haven't. I just don't know what to do. I know what I want--my friend--but I don't know whether he wants me. And I don't want to end my marriage with a man who loves me so much when there's a good chance that one else will ever love me like he does.
Do you think I should continue ignoring my feelings about my friend?
What will happen if I leave my husband and then find out that my friend isn't interested in me? I might die!
What if my family hears about me having another failed marriage--great, I can hear their judgmental voices already! I hate my family!
Will I ever be happy if I don't at least try to find out how my friend feels about me? Seriously, I would drop everything in one second to be with him if I knew he loved me. There's no question--I would do anything for him.
I'm heartbroken thinking that I'll never know what it's like to share true love with another person because I don't feel this way about my husband.
Thank you in advance for any guidance or advice you can provide. I feel so stupid that I have to write a letter to a stranger because I have no friends or family that I can talk to about my problems. How is it possible that I don't have a single person in my life to turn to...
Απάντηση
Dear X,
Thank you for writing and sharing your problem with us. You needn’t feel ’stupid’ for turning to us for guidance. Sometimes the situations we find ourselves in can be very overwhelming, and it always helps to share what we’re going through with someone.
I have the feeling that part of the problem may stem from the fact that you and your husband spend so much time away from home travelling and working. You have cut yourselves off from family and other people from the same background that you may have interacted with had you stayed in the U.S.A. You say that you ’hate’ your family and have no friends to turn to. It’s possible that you’re feeling very lonely and isolated, without any ’quality’ people in your life, which makes you long for friendship.
The only person close to you apart from your husband, is your friend, whom you feel in love with. You haven’t said much about why the two of you stopped dating, and what your relationship with your husband is like. Did you ever feel you were in love with your husband? And if yes, when did you stop feeling that way about him? If you are honest with yourself about your feelings towards your husband and ask yourself how different your life will really be if you were married to your friend will help you make the decision which only you can make. If you leave your husband, there are no guarantees that your relationship with your friend will turn out to be what you most needed, even if the two of you decide to get married. One person can not fulfil all our needs, and you might find yourself feeling lonely again.
What you could do is take up hobbies and do activities you used to do back home, so that you increase the chances of expanding your circle of social support for both you and your husband. Sharing common interests and having fun together may make both of you more emotionally accessible to one another. If you are still not satisfied with the quality of your relationship, you could agree to separate for a while, during which time you can reassess your values and general goals in life. Marriage is not the answer to all our problems, and we shouldn’t have to please others by being in a ’good’ one. Whatever decision you take will not be the right one for you, if it’s guided by others expectations or criticism of you.
Relationships take time to mature and sometimes it’s worth waiting in order to experience that feeling of ’oneness’, commitment and real love, which comes from a shared life of caring, giving and taking. Sometimes we simply have to step back and notice objectively what is happening to us and take action towards making relationships more fulfilling.
Glad to have been there for you,
Good luck
D.S.
Thank you for writing and sharing your problem with us. You needn’t feel ’stupid’ for turning to us for guidance. Sometimes the situations we find ourselves in can be very overwhelming, and it always helps to share what we’re going through with someone.
I have the feeling that part of the problem may stem from the fact that you and your husband spend so much time away from home travelling and working. You have cut yourselves off from family and other people from the same background that you may have interacted with had you stayed in the U.S.A. You say that you ’hate’ your family and have no friends to turn to. It’s possible that you’re feeling very lonely and isolated, without any ’quality’ people in your life, which makes you long for friendship.
The only person close to you apart from your husband, is your friend, whom you feel in love with. You haven’t said much about why the two of you stopped dating, and what your relationship with your husband is like. Did you ever feel you were in love with your husband? And if yes, when did you stop feeling that way about him? If you are honest with yourself about your feelings towards your husband and ask yourself how different your life will really be if you were married to your friend will help you make the decision which only you can make. If you leave your husband, there are no guarantees that your relationship with your friend will turn out to be what you most needed, even if the two of you decide to get married. One person can not fulfil all our needs, and you might find yourself feeling lonely again.
What you could do is take up hobbies and do activities you used to do back home, so that you increase the chances of expanding your circle of social support for both you and your husband. Sharing common interests and having fun together may make both of you more emotionally accessible to one another. If you are still not satisfied with the quality of your relationship, you could agree to separate for a while, during which time you can reassess your values and general goals in life. Marriage is not the answer to all our problems, and we shouldn’t have to please others by being in a ’good’ one. Whatever decision you take will not be the right one for you, if it’s guided by others expectations or criticism of you.
Relationships take time to mature and sometimes it’s worth waiting in order to experience that feeling of ’oneness’, commitment and real love, which comes from a shared life of caring, giving and taking. Sometimes we simply have to step back and notice objectively what is happening to us and take action towards making relationships more fulfilling.
Glad to have been there for you,
Good luck
D.S.