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Ερώτηση
age-20
gender- male
occupation- med student
thanks for investing your time to go through my problem. i am a male, 20 years of age. I believe everything that has happened with me so far is unfair. first of all, even after being a boy, i am not like all other boys out there. I am kinda girly, which most of us would say sissy or gay, which i hate being from the core. Everyone around me is like what a PROPER male should be and HERE i am, crying when i see a patient die at the hospital, crying while watching a sad movie or substituting myself with the character of a novel and sharing feelings etc. . i am not at all good looking and for the icing on the top i have mandibular prognathism, pigeon chest and myopia. My life couldn't suck more. I never had a girlfriend in my life, not that i am complaining about it, because frankly i don't need one. I can live my life alone, but can you explain why life is so unfair with me? why is it me that have to have all of these disadvantages at the same time? Also, people say that the way I see things and my perspective to life is not like everyone else. By this I mean, I act differently to a situation than most other people would do. For example, I like to stay alone and arrange my work myself and generally tend to avoid night-clubs and discos, which is abnormal because 20 years old male should not be averted to discos isn’t it? No one seems to like me or love me. I really feel very alone and insecure. That’s the reason I always act fake in public and tend to show-off what I am really not. Seriously i do not understand the utility of living. i feel sad when i am denied something and do not act like a MAN like all other normal males do. can anyone PLEASE for the love of god seal off my damn tear ducts and make me a bit less sensitive? i am all done with the sensitive part and all i want now is to be a normal human being and not get mocked or jeered at every plausible situation. I will be very happy if someone just says whats wrong with me, just the name of the disease will do, the rest I can figure out from the medical library. I am not at all desperate to get a girl-friend or the so called LOVE OF MY LIFE, just want to know what makes me so loathsome, I am not at all disrespectful towards women, nor am I rude or arrogant.
thanks a load, for bearing with me so far...i am genuinely sure that i shall never get a reply to this mail, yet as always "hope is my last abode".
Lastly, I have so far tried to convince myself that whatever it is that’s happening with me and my life will go away and I shall be able to be normal again. But I don’t think this is working anymore, so please help me.
-DOCBOY
gender- male
occupation- med student
thanks for investing your time to go through my problem. i am a male, 20 years of age. I believe everything that has happened with me so far is unfair. first of all, even after being a boy, i am not like all other boys out there. I am kinda girly, which most of us would say sissy or gay, which i hate being from the core. Everyone around me is like what a PROPER male should be and HERE i am, crying when i see a patient die at the hospital, crying while watching a sad movie or substituting myself with the character of a novel and sharing feelings etc. . i am not at all good looking and for the icing on the top i have mandibular prognathism, pigeon chest and myopia. My life couldn't suck more. I never had a girlfriend in my life, not that i am complaining about it, because frankly i don't need one. I can live my life alone, but can you explain why life is so unfair with me? why is it me that have to have all of these disadvantages at the same time? Also, people say that the way I see things and my perspective to life is not like everyone else. By this I mean, I act differently to a situation than most other people would do. For example, I like to stay alone and arrange my work myself and generally tend to avoid night-clubs and discos, which is abnormal because 20 years old male should not be averted to discos isn’t it? No one seems to like me or love me. I really feel very alone and insecure. That’s the reason I always act fake in public and tend to show-off what I am really not. Seriously i do not understand the utility of living. i feel sad when i am denied something and do not act like a MAN like all other normal males do. can anyone PLEASE for the love of god seal off my damn tear ducts and make me a bit less sensitive? i am all done with the sensitive part and all i want now is to be a normal human being and not get mocked or jeered at every plausible situation. I will be very happy if someone just says whats wrong with me, just the name of the disease will do, the rest I can figure out from the medical library. I am not at all desperate to get a girl-friend or the so called LOVE OF MY LIFE, just want to know what makes me so loathsome, I am not at all disrespectful towards women, nor am I rude or arrogant.
thanks a load, for bearing with me so far...i am genuinely sure that i shall never get a reply to this mail, yet as always "hope is my last abode".
Lastly, I have so far tried to convince myself that whatever it is that’s happening with me and my life will go away and I shall be able to be normal again. But I don’t think this is working anymore, so please help me.
-DOCBOY
Απάντηση
Dear ’Docboy’,
Reading through your letter, it is clear that there are a number of issues in your life that are tormenting you and preventing you from leading a more fulfilling life. Some of these may be easier to resolve, while there may be areas in your life which need to be accepted in order for you to finally find peace with yourself.
First of all, try to be a little more gentle with yourself and remember that life is not always fair, neither does it have to be fair in order for us to experience true happiness. Also, when you say that you don’t have the ’normal’ male behaviours, what are you actually referring to? Everyone is different and reacts differently in various situations, regardless of gender. There is no rule which stipulates that males can’t cry or express sensitivity in any form. Being gay involves more than just being sensitive or relating to a character in a movie or novel. However, you may want to consider whether your career choice is suited to your personality and disposition. You could, for example arrange to see a counsellor at the university for a couple of career counselling sessions. Being a doctor does require one to distance oneself emotionally from the patient, as this will interfere with your professional performance and prevent optimal results concerning his/her physical health.
You seem to pay special attention to what others think of you and the way you behave. On the one hand you feel in order to be ’normal’ and have to have a girlfriend or go to nightclubs, but on the other hand, you prefer not to do any of these things at this stage of your life. If you prefer staying at home in your own company for a while, then that is what is right for you. Everyone is free to live the way they feel more comfortable with. However, being alone for too long will isolate you from others, and you will end up feeling even lonelier or ’loathsome’. Your self-esteem has suffered as a result of comparing yourself to others and the lack of meaningful friendships in your life. You may want to keep a journal and jot down your automatic thoughts when faced with a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable. Automatic thoughts are the things we automatically say to ourselves to explain any situation that makes us feel fearful, stressful or inferior, etc. An example of an automatic thought of yours is what you say in your letter concerning my reply ...’I am genuinely sure that i shall never get a reply to this mail’. What made you so sure that I wouldn’t reply? Did you have any evidence that I wouldn’t? By jotting down your automatic thoughts, you will see a pattern forming, which will give you insight into how you are responsible for maintaing your low self-image. Gradually you can consciously start changing those automatic thoughts to kinder ones, which will give you more confidence to seek out friendships, and accept certain behaviours you have as part of who you are, and not as behaviours that need to be changed. Once you have accepted yourself, you will behave more confidently, and people will react more favourably towards you.
The physical characteristics you refer to (mandibular prognathism, pigeon chest and myopia) which make you dissatisfied with your appearance can affect your self-esteem. I can appreciate that it is difficult to accept, but with medical advances in these areas, there is a lot that can be done to improve your overall appearance. As a medical student, you are probably aware of your options and perhaps you could look into them and see which are more viable for you. A balance between modifying some things in your life and accepting others will give you more chances of reaching your potential and experiencing satisfaction in life. I hope my reply has been helpful and that you find the strength to take those necessary steps which will make a difference in your life.
Good luck
D.S.
Reading through your letter, it is clear that there are a number of issues in your life that are tormenting you and preventing you from leading a more fulfilling life. Some of these may be easier to resolve, while there may be areas in your life which need to be accepted in order for you to finally find peace with yourself.
First of all, try to be a little more gentle with yourself and remember that life is not always fair, neither does it have to be fair in order for us to experience true happiness. Also, when you say that you don’t have the ’normal’ male behaviours, what are you actually referring to? Everyone is different and reacts differently in various situations, regardless of gender. There is no rule which stipulates that males can’t cry or express sensitivity in any form. Being gay involves more than just being sensitive or relating to a character in a movie or novel. However, you may want to consider whether your career choice is suited to your personality and disposition. You could, for example arrange to see a counsellor at the university for a couple of career counselling sessions. Being a doctor does require one to distance oneself emotionally from the patient, as this will interfere with your professional performance and prevent optimal results concerning his/her physical health.
You seem to pay special attention to what others think of you and the way you behave. On the one hand you feel in order to be ’normal’ and have to have a girlfriend or go to nightclubs, but on the other hand, you prefer not to do any of these things at this stage of your life. If you prefer staying at home in your own company for a while, then that is what is right for you. Everyone is free to live the way they feel more comfortable with. However, being alone for too long will isolate you from others, and you will end up feeling even lonelier or ’loathsome’. Your self-esteem has suffered as a result of comparing yourself to others and the lack of meaningful friendships in your life. You may want to keep a journal and jot down your automatic thoughts when faced with a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable. Automatic thoughts are the things we automatically say to ourselves to explain any situation that makes us feel fearful, stressful or inferior, etc. An example of an automatic thought of yours is what you say in your letter concerning my reply ...’I am genuinely sure that i shall never get a reply to this mail’. What made you so sure that I wouldn’t reply? Did you have any evidence that I wouldn’t? By jotting down your automatic thoughts, you will see a pattern forming, which will give you insight into how you are responsible for maintaing your low self-image. Gradually you can consciously start changing those automatic thoughts to kinder ones, which will give you more confidence to seek out friendships, and accept certain behaviours you have as part of who you are, and not as behaviours that need to be changed. Once you have accepted yourself, you will behave more confidently, and people will react more favourably towards you.
The physical characteristics you refer to (mandibular prognathism, pigeon chest and myopia) which make you dissatisfied with your appearance can affect your self-esteem. I can appreciate that it is difficult to accept, but with medical advances in these areas, there is a lot that can be done to improve your overall appearance. As a medical student, you are probably aware of your options and perhaps you could look into them and see which are more viable for you. A balance between modifying some things in your life and accepting others will give you more chances of reaching your potential and experiencing satisfaction in life. I hope my reply has been helpful and that you find the strength to take those necessary steps which will make a difference in your life.
Good luck
D.S.