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Ερώτηση
Hi city e-help,
I'm a 19-years old young man, and right now being an undergraduate University. I was unfortunately exposed to Internet Sex explicit Information and Pornography when I was still in Junior high school and became addicted to it for more than 6 years. I just get rid of it about 1 month before and determined not to touch it anymore 'cause it’s so devastating, and I made it. However, because of 6 years accumulative almost every-other -day masturbation when I was just right at the very crucial phase for the body growth, I have become shorter and weaker than an average urban boy could be and hence used to be very diffident in front of them. To overcome this kind of deficiency, I somehow compensated with a kind of self-construct theoretical system which goes that I was the ruler of all the universe and all human beings are fatuous and foolish. This Theoretical system estranged me from the outside activity with most peers and in which way to some extent undermines the diffidence. Yet also, it has formed me from a sunny and active personality to a quite and shy personality. As what has been mentioned above, I've overcome the sex and pornography addict right now, and this is because I've gradually understood that my Theoretical system is false, I've understood the importance of love over sex, and most because of I've met, or said, rerealized a man who's been my salvator and who's also being a trouble for me right now. He’s my friend right now. Maybe I may just call him my classmate when I was in Senior High school, though he was just seated one row behind me but we do not chat too often, but somehow we're both admitted to the same University, despite the still addiction when I was in the 1st semester in Grade 1 of undergraduate, since the totally abstaining from porn one month before, when it is just the beginning of the 2nd Semester, I began to rerecognize him. He was once a very populous guy in our senior high school, though he's not tall, just the same height as me, but he has a better body build than me and is much more active. I believe this maybe one of the most important reasons why he's such populous. Peers like to talk to him, both by short messages and via Q, like MSN in the USA. While this situation goes oppositely for me, there are almost no one who would send me messages initiatively, usually I must send them first and wait for their reply. Besides, he has a lot of brothership gaining from the peers in the same sex, while I almost have none. It is an important reason that he likes to play football. I used to like play football, but because of the porn addiction I haven't played it since I entered Junior high school. Besides, much more peers would like to leave him a message in QQ zone, like Facebook in America. It is a sign that he's more unforgettable or easily-missed-and-concerned by his peers, while I have few such messages in QQ zone. So I became totally ashamed of myself in communicating with peers and diffident in front him the minute I entered his QQ zone, browsing the new messages leaving to him, and his new photographs which are really active and sexy. Though this kind of feelings, I still would enter his QQzone 2 or more times a day to see if there are new messages of updates, sometimes I doubt if I have suffered obsessive-compulsive disorder. But somehow, though I may be too diffident in front of him innermost sometimes (of course I would not show this emotion out in expressions), but I do want to find brothership in front of him. (I do not know exactly the situation in the USA, but in our culture, we male would call the greatest male friend brother though there is no blood relationship, and in most cases, such friend-become brother can be even closer than brothers which are really born by the same parents). We are not in the same majors, and the dorm we live are not the the same, either, so I could only find him to talk and play on weekends and festivals. But I really treat him very well, I buy him many playful gadgets, I share with him many things. He may not consider me as his brother right now but I hope I could make it in the future. He’s got a brothership from another guy called Z., they are really good brothers, and I do admire there brothership, how I hope I could become some guy like Z. Yet not long ago he made a decision that could devastate my hope, that he's gonna join the army. It means he'll leave me for 2 years when I'll have no chance to enhance our friendship. After days of distraught and deep thought I decided to join the army too, one for training myself and get me out of the depression, the other for the brothership. I often dream of him, and just because he was depicted a very great brother with me in my dreams, while in reality he's just the greatest brother with Z., so sometimes I would feel very depressed when I am waken. I know I cannot crave for such brothership this urgently, after all, he's constructed a very deep relationship with Z. for more than 3 years since senior high school, but sometimes I still can't stop from being in deep depression 'cause I really repent losing the greatest time to find brothership in Senior high school because of porn addiction. And because of frequently dreaming resulting from too much thinking at day, I haven’t got sound sleep for more than 1 month, medicines are of little help. Sometimes I may consider if I was gay, or how can I dream of a man, instead of a woman for so long a time? While actually I’m not, we are just good brothers in my dream, without any things that can be done distinctively by gays, or do I think of it in my dreams. It's just because I really lack of brothership that an average man should own resulting from porn addiction and this deficiency in relationship that caused this.
Anyway, it's the porn that totally devastated me, I’m still in deep depression and diffidence in front of some guys, and I’m severely fearful of loniness. Besides, I found no passion for life and there were 6 times when I want to commit suicide the last month. What shall I do?
yours sincerely
I'm a 19-years old young man, and right now being an undergraduate University. I was unfortunately exposed to Internet Sex explicit Information and Pornography when I was still in Junior high school and became addicted to it for more than 6 years. I just get rid of it about 1 month before and determined not to touch it anymore 'cause it’s so devastating, and I made it. However, because of 6 years accumulative almost every-other -day masturbation when I was just right at the very crucial phase for the body growth, I have become shorter and weaker than an average urban boy could be and hence used to be very diffident in front of them. To overcome this kind of deficiency, I somehow compensated with a kind of self-construct theoretical system which goes that I was the ruler of all the universe and all human beings are fatuous and foolish. This Theoretical system estranged me from the outside activity with most peers and in which way to some extent undermines the diffidence. Yet also, it has formed me from a sunny and active personality to a quite and shy personality. As what has been mentioned above, I've overcome the sex and pornography addict right now, and this is because I've gradually understood that my Theoretical system is false, I've understood the importance of love over sex, and most because of I've met, or said, rerealized a man who's been my salvator and who's also being a trouble for me right now. He’s my friend right now. Maybe I may just call him my classmate when I was in Senior High school, though he was just seated one row behind me but we do not chat too often, but somehow we're both admitted to the same University, despite the still addiction when I was in the 1st semester in Grade 1 of undergraduate, since the totally abstaining from porn one month before, when it is just the beginning of the 2nd Semester, I began to rerecognize him. He was once a very populous guy in our senior high school, though he's not tall, just the same height as me, but he has a better body build than me and is much more active. I believe this maybe one of the most important reasons why he's such populous. Peers like to talk to him, both by short messages and via Q, like MSN in the USA. While this situation goes oppositely for me, there are almost no one who would send me messages initiatively, usually I must send them first and wait for their reply. Besides, he has a lot of brothership gaining from the peers in the same sex, while I almost have none. It is an important reason that he likes to play football. I used to like play football, but because of the porn addiction I haven't played it since I entered Junior high school. Besides, much more peers would like to leave him a message in QQ zone, like Facebook in America. It is a sign that he's more unforgettable or easily-missed-and-concerned by his peers, while I have few such messages in QQ zone. So I became totally ashamed of myself in communicating with peers and diffident in front him the minute I entered his QQ zone, browsing the new messages leaving to him, and his new photographs which are really active and sexy. Though this kind of feelings, I still would enter his QQzone 2 or more times a day to see if there are new messages of updates, sometimes I doubt if I have suffered obsessive-compulsive disorder. But somehow, though I may be too diffident in front of him innermost sometimes (of course I would not show this emotion out in expressions), but I do want to find brothership in front of him. (I do not know exactly the situation in the USA, but in our culture, we male would call the greatest male friend brother though there is no blood relationship, and in most cases, such friend-become brother can be even closer than brothers which are really born by the same parents). We are not in the same majors, and the dorm we live are not the the same, either, so I could only find him to talk and play on weekends and festivals. But I really treat him very well, I buy him many playful gadgets, I share with him many things. He may not consider me as his brother right now but I hope I could make it in the future. He’s got a brothership from another guy called Z., they are really good brothers, and I do admire there brothership, how I hope I could become some guy like Z. Yet not long ago he made a decision that could devastate my hope, that he's gonna join the army. It means he'll leave me for 2 years when I'll have no chance to enhance our friendship. After days of distraught and deep thought I decided to join the army too, one for training myself and get me out of the depression, the other for the brothership. I often dream of him, and just because he was depicted a very great brother with me in my dreams, while in reality he's just the greatest brother with Z., so sometimes I would feel very depressed when I am waken. I know I cannot crave for such brothership this urgently, after all, he's constructed a very deep relationship with Z. for more than 3 years since senior high school, but sometimes I still can't stop from being in deep depression 'cause I really repent losing the greatest time to find brothership in Senior high school because of porn addiction. And because of frequently dreaming resulting from too much thinking at day, I haven’t got sound sleep for more than 1 month, medicines are of little help. Sometimes I may consider if I was gay, or how can I dream of a man, instead of a woman for so long a time? While actually I’m not, we are just good brothers in my dream, without any things that can be done distinctively by gays, or do I think of it in my dreams. It's just because I really lack of brothership that an average man should own resulting from porn addiction and this deficiency in relationship that caused this.
Anyway, it's the porn that totally devastated me, I’m still in deep depression and diffidence in front of some guys, and I’m severely fearful of loniness. Besides, I found no passion for life and there were 6 times when I want to commit suicide the last month. What shall I do?
yours sincerely
Απάντηση
Dear friend,
It seems to me that you’ve a lot of concerns. I would like to assure you that all people go through difficult periods and gain lessons in life. Life is the most precious gift that we have and every challenge that we face is a challenge that we have the strength to overcome, even if we’re stuck and we don’t see the solutions in the specific moment. I remember a quote, which says that “The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering.” However, sometimes in order to overcome this suffering we all need to turn to others for support. You don’t mention your family in your letter, but if you have any close relationships with them, maybe you could share your feelings (even if you’re not willing to share details with them), you could let them know that you’re going through difficulties, so they could provide you with support and advice. Furthermore, I would strongly suggest you to talk to a counselor if you have one available in your city, because you’ll have the chance to discuss your worries without fearing that you’ll be judged or misunderstood.
However, I would like to reflect on some of your worries that you express in the letter. From what you’ve written I’m left with the impression that you’re not satisfied with your relationships with other peers, which is undoubtedly an important issue. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been exposed to pornography at such a young age. However, now that you’ve understood that relationships and love are an important priority for you, and you’ve overcame your addiction you could try to focus on the future and try to create some friendships, rather than blaming yourself for the past. In your letter you mention that for a certain period of time you’ve created a self-view that has distanced you from your peers. Probably you might consider that other people are capable of being your friends, because thinking negatively about them doesn’t provide neither you, nor them with the opportunity to know each other and create friendships. You also mention that you feel different from your peers, because of your body appearance. However, looks is not a measure of who we are, and it’s definitely not a reason to distance ourselves from others. Just because you see yourself as different from your peers doesn’t make you worse than them. Friends are there to accept us for who we are, and not for our popularity or looks.
Further, in your letter you express admiration for your friend and a desire to be his best friend. Also from what I understood you would like to be popular like him and have many friends. However, how can you do that if you only seek to be his friend and don’t reach out to other peers of yours? You also share that your friend decided to join the army, which is upsetting for you. Normally our friends make decisions and follow certain path in their lives. In these cases we could keep our friendship with them, but it’s a good idea before deciding to follow them first to decide what is that you want for yourself. Maybe, you could also be friends with other people and try to socialize with them. It is helpful to contact people that you like and tell them to gather or go out to do some activities together. If you have some hobbies, maybe you can join a group or club, where you can find people with similar interests and broaden your social circle.
You are a young boy, and being a student is a sign that you’re a smart and capable person and you have interests that can relate you to your peers. You’re given the nice opportunity to be in the university and have education, which will provide you with opportunities for the future. The university also gives you the opportunity to meet people and create friendships. From your letter, I understand that you were not rejected by others, but you’ve decided that you’re not liked by them. If you let other people to know you as a person, if you approach them and tell them that you would like to be in activities with them, you’ll eventually find your friends. But to do that you first need to stop thinking of hurting yourself and take action, because you have the strength and you will overcome your worries, if you actively try to do something about them, rather than giving up. I know it might seem difficult at first, but the more you do to improve your feelings and the more you reach out to other people, the better you’ll become day by day, until you surpass your concerns. Sometimes, when we isolate ourselves from others our problems might seem harder to overcome so I would suggest you reach out for support from family, peers and professionals. The first step that I strongly recommend is for you to find a counselor and go directly to talk to him/her. Moreover, I would like to ask you to send another letter, in which you’ll assure me that you’ve started to make an attempt to get out of your worries. You might be far away in your country, but you must know that our team cares about your well-being and we would like to hear from you again, so we can make sure that you’re undertaking steps for reaching help and overcoming your difficulties.
We are looking forward for your response!
It seems to me that you’ve a lot of concerns. I would like to assure you that all people go through difficult periods and gain lessons in life. Life is the most precious gift that we have and every challenge that we face is a challenge that we have the strength to overcome, even if we’re stuck and we don’t see the solutions in the specific moment. I remember a quote, which says that “The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering.” However, sometimes in order to overcome this suffering we all need to turn to others for support. You don’t mention your family in your letter, but if you have any close relationships with them, maybe you could share your feelings (even if you’re not willing to share details with them), you could let them know that you’re going through difficulties, so they could provide you with support and advice. Furthermore, I would strongly suggest you to talk to a counselor if you have one available in your city, because you’ll have the chance to discuss your worries without fearing that you’ll be judged or misunderstood.
However, I would like to reflect on some of your worries that you express in the letter. From what you’ve written I’m left with the impression that you’re not satisfied with your relationships with other peers, which is undoubtedly an important issue. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been exposed to pornography at such a young age. However, now that you’ve understood that relationships and love are an important priority for you, and you’ve overcame your addiction you could try to focus on the future and try to create some friendships, rather than blaming yourself for the past. In your letter you mention that for a certain period of time you’ve created a self-view that has distanced you from your peers. Probably you might consider that other people are capable of being your friends, because thinking negatively about them doesn’t provide neither you, nor them with the opportunity to know each other and create friendships. You also mention that you feel different from your peers, because of your body appearance. However, looks is not a measure of who we are, and it’s definitely not a reason to distance ourselves from others. Just because you see yourself as different from your peers doesn’t make you worse than them. Friends are there to accept us for who we are, and not for our popularity or looks.
Further, in your letter you express admiration for your friend and a desire to be his best friend. Also from what I understood you would like to be popular like him and have many friends. However, how can you do that if you only seek to be his friend and don’t reach out to other peers of yours? You also share that your friend decided to join the army, which is upsetting for you. Normally our friends make decisions and follow certain path in their lives. In these cases we could keep our friendship with them, but it’s a good idea before deciding to follow them first to decide what is that you want for yourself. Maybe, you could also be friends with other people and try to socialize with them. It is helpful to contact people that you like and tell them to gather or go out to do some activities together. If you have some hobbies, maybe you can join a group or club, where you can find people with similar interests and broaden your social circle.
You are a young boy, and being a student is a sign that you’re a smart and capable person and you have interests that can relate you to your peers. You’re given the nice opportunity to be in the university and have education, which will provide you with opportunities for the future. The university also gives you the opportunity to meet people and create friendships. From your letter, I understand that you were not rejected by others, but you’ve decided that you’re not liked by them. If you let other people to know you as a person, if you approach them and tell them that you would like to be in activities with them, you’ll eventually find your friends. But to do that you first need to stop thinking of hurting yourself and take action, because you have the strength and you will overcome your worries, if you actively try to do something about them, rather than giving up. I know it might seem difficult at first, but the more you do to improve your feelings and the more you reach out to other people, the better you’ll become day by day, until you surpass your concerns. Sometimes, when we isolate ourselves from others our problems might seem harder to overcome so I would suggest you reach out for support from family, peers and professionals. The first step that I strongly recommend is for you to find a counselor and go directly to talk to him/her. Moreover, I would like to ask you to send another letter, in which you’ll assure me that you’ve started to make an attempt to get out of your worries. You might be far away in your country, but you must know that our team cares about your well-being and we would like to hear from you again, so we can make sure that you’re undertaking steps for reaching help and overcoming your difficulties.
We are looking forward for your response!