Κατηγορίες
Tag cloud
αυτοκτονία επικοινωνία φόβος εξωτερική εμφάνιση κιλά σωματικό βάρος αποδοχή απομόνωση μοναξιά άγχος πίεση ομοφυλοφιλία σεξουαλική ταυτότητα διάβασμα ανεργία none
Ερώτηση
I am a 19 year old female. I’m a college student but I decided to take the semester off for personal growth.
In late June I moved in with my best friend of 16 years and her mother. I went to school in that city and took the bus where I needed to go. As the semester went on, however, things became tense and communication between this friend and I was not particularly successful to say the least.
I decided it would be best for me to move out so we could discuss things on neutral ground. She took this badly and after I made a grand gesture to apologize and say that we were both wrong and that everything we had was not something we should let go of because of a fight.
She responded to this by saying she needed to be on her own for a while, but when I contacted her to tell her that I’m planning on moving away and that in order to be a part of my life she needed to at least have a conversation with me she got angry and basically affirmed all of my fears of abandonment. I realize that I am much better off without her and I have decided that if she thinks I am all of these horrible things than she is not worth having around.
What is really troubling me about it all is that every memory makes me sad, I don’t know where to begin, and I have never seen proof from anyone that there is not a time limit on loving me. What I’m having the most trouble with is not knowing how long it will last, how long it will hurt this much. I’m generally good at distracting myself, but then I remember and the pain floods over me in tsunamis caused from such and earth-shattering happenstance. What can I do?
Sincerely, RightBrained
In late June I moved in with my best friend of 16 years and her mother. I went to school in that city and took the bus where I needed to go. As the semester went on, however, things became tense and communication between this friend and I was not particularly successful to say the least.
I decided it would be best for me to move out so we could discuss things on neutral ground. She took this badly and after I made a grand gesture to apologize and say that we were both wrong and that everything we had was not something we should let go of because of a fight.
She responded to this by saying she needed to be on her own for a while, but when I contacted her to tell her that I’m planning on moving away and that in order to be a part of my life she needed to at least have a conversation with me she got angry and basically affirmed all of my fears of abandonment. I realize that I am much better off without her and I have decided that if she thinks I am all of these horrible things than she is not worth having around.
What is really troubling me about it all is that every memory makes me sad, I don’t know where to begin, and I have never seen proof from anyone that there is not a time limit on loving me. What I’m having the most trouble with is not knowing how long it will last, how long it will hurt this much. I’m generally good at distracting myself, but then I remember and the pain floods over me in tsunamis caused from such and earth-shattering happenstance. What can I do?
Sincerely, RightBrained
Απάντηση
Dear BrightBrained,
Thank you for your letter. As taken from your letter the period you are currently experiencing is making you fearful and sad. From what I understand, during the semester you were taking off, you moved in with your friend and her mother. However, your relationship soon started deteriorating and I am assuming from your letter that there were a couple of fights with your friend culminating with you too breaking off the friendship. It is unclear from your letter, the kind of relationship you had before the fights and how close you were and what exactly it was said during the fight. Thus, my answers to your questions are going to be based on the information I have at the moment and may not be accurate in light of reality.
Firstly, I am not sure if this is the first time you lived in the same house with someone else other than your family. It is common that very close friendships as well as romantic relationships are put to the test when the two people decide to live together. It might be the case that you and your friend used to spend together the majority of free time; however, living together changes everything. All of a sudden you see the other persons’ good and bad days and mood changes. This requires an adjustment period where you both need to talk about privacy and personal space and put some barriers that are comfortable for both of you. If the living arrangements did not work out, you can discuss it with your friend explaining her that this will not change your friendship. In your letter you mention that you tried to discuss this aspect with her and tried to apologize by acknowledging the fault of both. This is an approach that your friend did not take too well, possible understanding it as an attack. I would suggest to bring the subject again with your friend in a non-aggressive manner. Thus, instead of saying: “You made me feel like….” You should use “I felt like…” . This time of communication will put an emphasis on your feelings and emotions without allowing your friend to feel attacked. We all process information differently, and maybe your friend needs some time to reassess the friendship and how things will evolve.
The ending of a friendship is very difficult and makes us question ourselves and our behavior. However, it is important to seriously assess the situation before taking a drastic decision. In this case: are you sure your friendship is completely over? Is there any chance of assertive communication between you and your friend? Is this fight the only one you had before now or are there other unresolved conflicts?
One simple way of looking at the situation objectively is to make a list with all the good memories you have together with your friend and a different list with all the unresolved conflicts. You can then look at the second list more in depth and see if you can overcome any of the conflicts and if you are able to openly discuss them with your friend.
In terms of how much time it will hurt, there is no answer. We do not know how long any relationship will last and how much it will hurt or for how long when it will be over. The most important thing is to look at every relationship and friendship not as a loss but as an experience. Each of these experiences help you grow and become a better person. You learn from each one different life lessons. You might learn to be more tolerant towards certain behaviours, you might learn to be more patient or to better communicate. Each experience brings something new.
Hope you and your friend will be able to solve your conflicts. And, if you decide that this is the end of your friendship, hope you will acquire further knowledge about yourself.
Best,
AB
Thank you for your letter. As taken from your letter the period you are currently experiencing is making you fearful and sad. From what I understand, during the semester you were taking off, you moved in with your friend and her mother. However, your relationship soon started deteriorating and I am assuming from your letter that there were a couple of fights with your friend culminating with you too breaking off the friendship. It is unclear from your letter, the kind of relationship you had before the fights and how close you were and what exactly it was said during the fight. Thus, my answers to your questions are going to be based on the information I have at the moment and may not be accurate in light of reality.
Firstly, I am not sure if this is the first time you lived in the same house with someone else other than your family. It is common that very close friendships as well as romantic relationships are put to the test when the two people decide to live together. It might be the case that you and your friend used to spend together the majority of free time; however, living together changes everything. All of a sudden you see the other persons’ good and bad days and mood changes. This requires an adjustment period where you both need to talk about privacy and personal space and put some barriers that are comfortable for both of you. If the living arrangements did not work out, you can discuss it with your friend explaining her that this will not change your friendship. In your letter you mention that you tried to discuss this aspect with her and tried to apologize by acknowledging the fault of both. This is an approach that your friend did not take too well, possible understanding it as an attack. I would suggest to bring the subject again with your friend in a non-aggressive manner. Thus, instead of saying: “You made me feel like….” You should use “I felt like…” . This time of communication will put an emphasis on your feelings and emotions without allowing your friend to feel attacked. We all process information differently, and maybe your friend needs some time to reassess the friendship and how things will evolve.
The ending of a friendship is very difficult and makes us question ourselves and our behavior. However, it is important to seriously assess the situation before taking a drastic decision. In this case: are you sure your friendship is completely over? Is there any chance of assertive communication between you and your friend? Is this fight the only one you had before now or are there other unresolved conflicts?
One simple way of looking at the situation objectively is to make a list with all the good memories you have together with your friend and a different list with all the unresolved conflicts. You can then look at the second list more in depth and see if you can overcome any of the conflicts and if you are able to openly discuss them with your friend.
In terms of how much time it will hurt, there is no answer. We do not know how long any relationship will last and how much it will hurt or for how long when it will be over. The most important thing is to look at every relationship and friendship not as a loss but as an experience. Each of these experiences help you grow and become a better person. You learn from each one different life lessons. You might learn to be more tolerant towards certain behaviours, you might learn to be more patient or to better communicate. Each experience brings something new.
Hope you and your friend will be able to solve your conflicts. And, if you decide that this is the end of your friendship, hope you will acquire further knowledge about yourself.
Best,
AB