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αυτοκτονία επικοινωνία φόβος εξωτερική εμφάνιση κιλά σωματικό βάρος αποδοχή απομόνωση μοναξιά άγχος πίεση ομοφυλοφιλία σεξουαλική ταυτότητα διάβασμα ανεργία none
Ερώτηση
I am 21 years old and female. Currently, I am on exchange program. I am studying business and finishing my last term in my undergraduate studies.
What is troubling me:
In the past three months, I have discovered that I have become incredibly jealous of my boyfriend's (CG) ex-girlfriend (JT). It has overwhelmed me and recently, I discovered that I've become almost obsessed with her and she has pretty much become a scapegoat of anything that goes wrong in my life and any doubt I have about myself.
When it happened:
This past week, it has really consumed me. It has been 5 months since I first found out about JT and she still wanders around my conscience whenever he misses a call, is late to reply or whatever. There is a 2nd year medical student dance production and the finale involves some students in the class stripping to their undergarments for charity. When I found out about JT's participation, I started a series of angry e-mails, Facebook creeping and I even found JT's phone number and address for I don't even know what.
Then I stopped and told myself that this is too much. One of my friends asked me what I am angry about. I don't even know. I was intimidated by her. I wished I was as smart as her, as pretty as her and as happy as her. She is the type of girl who has that bubbly personality and always tries to sound pleasant. Then as I listed all the things I was jealous of her about - I realized I was just idealizing who she was. I put everything I wish I could be into this character JT. It kind of scared me.
Who it involves:
My boyfriend - CG
CG's ex-girlfriend - JT
Me
How the problem started:
A little background: CG was seeing JT when he and I first met. I had no idea he was seeing another girl when we first started getting to know each other. When he and I became more serious, he broke things off with the girl but did not tell her about me.
(He has depression and used it as his reason for breaking off their relationship. They are both in medical school together and she is an intelligent girl who did research at Harvard in the past summer.)
When I first found out, I was furious not because he saw her while he saw me, but because he ok with "hurting" me by telling me about her, but was more sensitive to JT's feelings and pretty much hiding me from her. I was worried that he was keeping a backdoor open, if you may. But as mentioned above, it has become a lot more.
What worries me the most:
I will not stop feeling miserable about myself. I'm worried that I will always be paranoid. I'm scared that I am incapable of trusting a partner. I am making things up in my head and upsetting myself over it. It is taking a toll on me. I am always miserable. I don't like always feeling miserable.
How have I tried to solve it:
I am here in Europe hoping to get away from my busy school life, all the drama with my usual friends, take some time away from CG and see how things go after 5 months. (My exchange is for 5 months.)
But the first month into finding about JT, I was obsessed with her - I checked her Facebook, read through her blog, etc. I really tried to stop doing that. I haven't done it until this week. I tried desensitizing myself to it by looking at an old picture of JT and CG, but that definitely didn't help. I've talked to CG about it and he just insists I have nothing to worry about and flowers me with nice thoughts - which I believe are genuine. I just don't know why I don't believe him. Or why I'm a way to let her into my life. She doesn't even know who I am. CG and JT don't even talk anymore.
Sincerely,
What is troubling me:
In the past three months, I have discovered that I have become incredibly jealous of my boyfriend's (CG) ex-girlfriend (JT). It has overwhelmed me and recently, I discovered that I've become almost obsessed with her and she has pretty much become a scapegoat of anything that goes wrong in my life and any doubt I have about myself.
When it happened:
This past week, it has really consumed me. It has been 5 months since I first found out about JT and she still wanders around my conscience whenever he misses a call, is late to reply or whatever. There is a 2nd year medical student dance production and the finale involves some students in the class stripping to their undergarments for charity. When I found out about JT's participation, I started a series of angry e-mails, Facebook creeping and I even found JT's phone number and address for I don't even know what.
Then I stopped and told myself that this is too much. One of my friends asked me what I am angry about. I don't even know. I was intimidated by her. I wished I was as smart as her, as pretty as her and as happy as her. She is the type of girl who has that bubbly personality and always tries to sound pleasant. Then as I listed all the things I was jealous of her about - I realized I was just idealizing who she was. I put everything I wish I could be into this character JT. It kind of scared me.
Who it involves:
My boyfriend - CG
CG's ex-girlfriend - JT
Me
How the problem started:
A little background: CG was seeing JT when he and I first met. I had no idea he was seeing another girl when we first started getting to know each other. When he and I became more serious, he broke things off with the girl but did not tell her about me.
(He has depression and used it as his reason for breaking off their relationship. They are both in medical school together and she is an intelligent girl who did research at Harvard in the past summer.)
When I first found out, I was furious not because he saw her while he saw me, but because he ok with "hurting" me by telling me about her, but was more sensitive to JT's feelings and pretty much hiding me from her. I was worried that he was keeping a backdoor open, if you may. But as mentioned above, it has become a lot more.
What worries me the most:
I will not stop feeling miserable about myself. I'm worried that I will always be paranoid. I'm scared that I am incapable of trusting a partner. I am making things up in my head and upsetting myself over it. It is taking a toll on me. I am always miserable. I don't like always feeling miserable.
How have I tried to solve it:
I am here in Europe hoping to get away from my busy school life, all the drama with my usual friends, take some time away from CG and see how things go after 5 months. (My exchange is for 5 months.)
But the first month into finding about JT, I was obsessed with her - I checked her Facebook, read through her blog, etc. I really tried to stop doing that. I haven't done it until this week. I tried desensitizing myself to it by looking at an old picture of JT and CG, but that definitely didn't help. I've talked to CG about it and he just insists I have nothing to worry about and flowers me with nice thoughts - which I believe are genuine. I just don't know why I don't believe him. Or why I'm a way to let her into my life. She doesn't even know who I am. CG and JT don't even talk anymore.
Sincerely,
Απάντηση
Dear friend,
Thank you for sharing your issue with our e-help service.
You have very carefully described your concerns, assisting me a lot at replying your letter.
Your story may sound familiar among individuals because jealousy is common in couples and their x-partners but your emotional disturbance seems to have consumed a lot of your valuable time and affect very negatively your mood!
You have written very powerful words like “incredible, overwhelmed, obsessed and miserable “to describe your emotions towards a person who does not have any impact in your relationship! If your relationship is not threatened by JT (as it sounds it isn’t) I am wondering why are all these negative feelings involved! I was also wondering what could emails you have written to JT contain! If this is a competition for a trophy, then you have already won it and rationally JT would supposedly be the person to go through what you are experiencing recently.
You seem to have employed a so called “avoidant coping mechanism’’ as you address your problems to JT, but still I am wondering if this idea helped you feel any better. It is a self esteem issue, for as long as you doubt in your self. Sometimes people, who experience low self esteem, find it helpful to perform a simple exercise by writing in a white sheet of paper –the bests of me – listing their qualities that have contributed in their education / relationship or life generally. I am very sure there will be several qualities of yours. These qualities will accompany you through your entire life, so it is very important for you to be aware of them. Inform yourself about your value…your traits are your values. When you become aware of your personality traits, you will find out why CG decided to be with you. They did not say for nothing „Neighbor’s hen is always bigger“ and I can very accurately place this saying in your case. Instead of JT’s bubbling personality there are other qualities of yours that favored your relationship with CG.
CG seems a tender and very careful guy. Because he has been going through depression, CG was preventing JT from „walking in his shoes“, and you should take CG’s honesty as a credit. He was not forced to inform you about JT, yet he did, because he wanted to prove his love, commitment and save your time you could spend digging into his past relationships.
You have also mentioned a friend in your letter. Friends are important! Two heads always think better than one, and it is wise sometimes to listen to their advices. Often, people feel relieved when expressing their feelings, thoughts and ideas with friends, at the same time, following their advices. Your friend took a good step by challenging your anger which does not have any realistic basis. Keep thinking about reasons you got angry at JT! Try answering the question: - Why should I be angry of? Reconsider your qualities.
I must admit, I am impressed about your knowledge in psychology, as you have mentioned desensitization. You did not fail at using systematic desensitization. Just the picture you have used is improper. Instead of watching CG and JT together, maybe, watching JT’s alone picture would provide different feelings to you, and also, try accompanying the anger you would possibly experience with something pleasant (example - taste an ice cream at same time). This would somehow create a balance between the negative and positive feelings, eliminating the anger and maintaining a great mood. CG’s presence in picture with her, might cause emotional arousal, furthermore JT belongs to his past.
It is great to hear you are participating in an exchange program, as sometimes being away is a better opportunity, providing with enough time to think and analyze the situation. It is thoughtful if you participate in different activities this project offers and keep your mind busy with beneficial activities or ideas and not get overwhelmed, anxious or flattered over an imaginary battle between you and JT. Time is money, don’t spend it!
Best regards,
V
Thank you for sharing your issue with our e-help service.
You have very carefully described your concerns, assisting me a lot at replying your letter.
Your story may sound familiar among individuals because jealousy is common in couples and their x-partners but your emotional disturbance seems to have consumed a lot of your valuable time and affect very negatively your mood!
You have written very powerful words like “incredible, overwhelmed, obsessed and miserable “to describe your emotions towards a person who does not have any impact in your relationship! If your relationship is not threatened by JT (as it sounds it isn’t) I am wondering why are all these negative feelings involved! I was also wondering what could emails you have written to JT contain! If this is a competition for a trophy, then you have already won it and rationally JT would supposedly be the person to go through what you are experiencing recently.
You seem to have employed a so called “avoidant coping mechanism’’ as you address your problems to JT, but still I am wondering if this idea helped you feel any better. It is a self esteem issue, for as long as you doubt in your self. Sometimes people, who experience low self esteem, find it helpful to perform a simple exercise by writing in a white sheet of paper –the bests of me – listing their qualities that have contributed in their education / relationship or life generally. I am very sure there will be several qualities of yours. These qualities will accompany you through your entire life, so it is very important for you to be aware of them. Inform yourself about your value…your traits are your values. When you become aware of your personality traits, you will find out why CG decided to be with you. They did not say for nothing „Neighbor’s hen is always bigger“ and I can very accurately place this saying in your case. Instead of JT’s bubbling personality there are other qualities of yours that favored your relationship with CG.
CG seems a tender and very careful guy. Because he has been going through depression, CG was preventing JT from „walking in his shoes“, and you should take CG’s honesty as a credit. He was not forced to inform you about JT, yet he did, because he wanted to prove his love, commitment and save your time you could spend digging into his past relationships.
You have also mentioned a friend in your letter. Friends are important! Two heads always think better than one, and it is wise sometimes to listen to their advices. Often, people feel relieved when expressing their feelings, thoughts and ideas with friends, at the same time, following their advices. Your friend took a good step by challenging your anger which does not have any realistic basis. Keep thinking about reasons you got angry at JT! Try answering the question: - Why should I be angry of? Reconsider your qualities.
I must admit, I am impressed about your knowledge in psychology, as you have mentioned desensitization. You did not fail at using systematic desensitization. Just the picture you have used is improper. Instead of watching CG and JT together, maybe, watching JT’s alone picture would provide different feelings to you, and also, try accompanying the anger you would possibly experience with something pleasant (example - taste an ice cream at same time). This would somehow create a balance between the negative and positive feelings, eliminating the anger and maintaining a great mood. CG’s presence in picture with her, might cause emotional arousal, furthermore JT belongs to his past.
It is great to hear you are participating in an exchange program, as sometimes being away is a better opportunity, providing with enough time to think and analyze the situation. It is thoughtful if you participate in different activities this project offers and keep your mind busy with beneficial activities or ideas and not get overwhelmed, anxious or flattered over an imaginary battle between you and JT. Time is money, don’t spend it!
Best regards,
V