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Ερώτηση
Hi, I’m an 18 year old female. I’m a 7th grade high school student. Recently our relationship has taken a turn for the worst (more specifically after New Year’s) and I feel like he’s annoyed by me and that he doesn’t like me anymore. I don’t think my behavior towards him has changed. It is he who has shown signs of dislike and keeps drifting away from me. We used to be so close to the extent that we were talking all the time at school and we used to call each other and talk for hours. Now we never talk on the phone and we talk so much less during school time. I can’t objectively explain the situation by myself so I decided to ask for some help online. Please help me understand and give me advice!
Well I thought I would just write down all the things that bothered me to make myself feel better by taking them off my chest somewhere but now I decided to share it and get some feedback J
- He shows way too much aggression and no affection at all lately
- When he talks too much with other girls and especially when he hugs them (particularly our close friends- because to me it shows that he chose them in the group and ignored me) I get incredibly jealous, and consequently bitter, depressed and eventually I cry so much…
- Whenever I feel like I’m losing him (which I do most of the time) I feel an overwhelming anxiety and depression which does not go away. I’m just so sick, tired and disgusted of the impact he has on me. I just want to be me again. Independent, happy, optimistic and more focused on me instead of any other person. I don’t know if I hate him more than I love him. Maybe this is just a sick addiction I have developed which I can’t shake away. Maybe it’s the fact that my yearning for him is unfulfilled and this makes me be more fixated and obsessed to achieve in getting him to kiss me or pay more attention to me. This is so pathetic because I care less about me and how my general life course is going, and I care more about how I will get him to be my best friend again.
- Like for example last night we went out at a club. I was extremely happy and excited; I was dancing a lot and I was having a great time. At one point he came to find us. I was fine until I realized that in contrast to the past he didn’t want to dance with me at all. Whenever he was singing he wasn’t looking at me but the others. If he had always done that I would be much better with it, but the thing is in the past especially in the summer whichever club we went to we used to dance together all the time and more particularly he used to approach me first. He used to sing with me. Now he’s avoiding me. He used to wrap him arms around me a lot in clubs. Now he won’t go near me. He’ll do it to the other girls in the group he never used to hug. What annoyed me most last night was that my best friend whom he used to hate and with whom he doesn’t talk much with, well he preferred to dance with her than me. And I just don’t know what I have done wrong to be treated this way. I don’t know if what he does to me is reflected in my behavior towards him through obsession or aggression or whether he has noticed the way I look at him sometimes or whether it’s just the course of life and people just stop being close. And I have just realized that this is my greatest fear. That there is no point back and that our friendship will just keep deteriorating more and more until… we have some big fight and we stop talking to each other. Because even if he tries to ignore me to let the relationship fade away I just know that I won’t let him because of how much I love and need him.
- I can’t take off my mind the way he was dancing with my best friend and the way he danced with our other friend and how he was singing to my other girlfriend only and most importantly and most painfully, the fact that when I tried to pull him up to dance with me he refused and didn’t even smile at me. So in short, I feel like he now hates me and is annoyed by me. And if that was a constant behavior well I wouldn’t feel happier of course, but I would feel more certain as to why this is happening. However he will often talk to me and we will have some fun together again but I know that it’s not the kind of fun we used to have.
- What I have also noticed is that he doesn’t laugh with my jokes as much as he used to. Maybe I have changed then towards him. Maybe I can’t take the just-friends thing anymore and he can see that. Maybe he has recently seen that I’m in love with him.
- I really want to clear myself out and stay away from him. But the thing is that we are in the same school 2/5 classes we have are together so it means every day we have lessons together and for one of them we are sitting together. Most importantly though we are in the same group of friends so at break-time I always have to see him and I have to try and socialize with him to prevent seeing him having fun with the others only. However at other times I try to ignore him so that I’m not too clingy or obsessed. My best friend and I got into a big fight recently because she felt like I was ignoring her because I was hanging out too much with him. She was right in many ways.
- But to be honest I’m going through so much anxiety, so much frustration, depression and emotional pain to the extent that I feel that if I had the chance I would choose to mend my relationship with him than my best friend. I cannot be her best friend in the committed way she wants me to so I don’t think I would be seriously bothered if we weren’t so close anymore.
- But anyway, through this entire essay I have just written the question is so simple; what should I do? I am desperate for some objective advice!
Thank you so much for reading this
Well I thought I would just write down all the things that bothered me to make myself feel better by taking them off my chest somewhere but now I decided to share it and get some feedback J
- He shows way too much aggression and no affection at all lately
- When he talks too much with other girls and especially when he hugs them (particularly our close friends- because to me it shows that he chose them in the group and ignored me) I get incredibly jealous, and consequently bitter, depressed and eventually I cry so much…
- Whenever I feel like I’m losing him (which I do most of the time) I feel an overwhelming anxiety and depression which does not go away. I’m just so sick, tired and disgusted of the impact he has on me. I just want to be me again. Independent, happy, optimistic and more focused on me instead of any other person. I don’t know if I hate him more than I love him. Maybe this is just a sick addiction I have developed which I can’t shake away. Maybe it’s the fact that my yearning for him is unfulfilled and this makes me be more fixated and obsessed to achieve in getting him to kiss me or pay more attention to me. This is so pathetic because I care less about me and how my general life course is going, and I care more about how I will get him to be my best friend again.
- Like for example last night we went out at a club. I was extremely happy and excited; I was dancing a lot and I was having a great time. At one point he came to find us. I was fine until I realized that in contrast to the past he didn’t want to dance with me at all. Whenever he was singing he wasn’t looking at me but the others. If he had always done that I would be much better with it, but the thing is in the past especially in the summer whichever club we went to we used to dance together all the time and more particularly he used to approach me first. He used to sing with me. Now he’s avoiding me. He used to wrap him arms around me a lot in clubs. Now he won’t go near me. He’ll do it to the other girls in the group he never used to hug. What annoyed me most last night was that my best friend whom he used to hate and with whom he doesn’t talk much with, well he preferred to dance with her than me. And I just don’t know what I have done wrong to be treated this way. I don’t know if what he does to me is reflected in my behavior towards him through obsession or aggression or whether he has noticed the way I look at him sometimes or whether it’s just the course of life and people just stop being close. And I have just realized that this is my greatest fear. That there is no point back and that our friendship will just keep deteriorating more and more until… we have some big fight and we stop talking to each other. Because even if he tries to ignore me to let the relationship fade away I just know that I won’t let him because of how much I love and need him.
- I can’t take off my mind the way he was dancing with my best friend and the way he danced with our other friend and how he was singing to my other girlfriend only and most importantly and most painfully, the fact that when I tried to pull him up to dance with me he refused and didn’t even smile at me. So in short, I feel like he now hates me and is annoyed by me. And if that was a constant behavior well I wouldn’t feel happier of course, but I would feel more certain as to why this is happening. However he will often talk to me and we will have some fun together again but I know that it’s not the kind of fun we used to have.
- What I have also noticed is that he doesn’t laugh with my jokes as much as he used to. Maybe I have changed then towards him. Maybe I can’t take the just-friends thing anymore and he can see that. Maybe he has recently seen that I’m in love with him.
- I really want to clear myself out and stay away from him. But the thing is that we are in the same school 2/5 classes we have are together so it means every day we have lessons together and for one of them we are sitting together. Most importantly though we are in the same group of friends so at break-time I always have to see him and I have to try and socialize with him to prevent seeing him having fun with the others only. However at other times I try to ignore him so that I’m not too clingy or obsessed. My best friend and I got into a big fight recently because she felt like I was ignoring her because I was hanging out too much with him. She was right in many ways.
- But to be honest I’m going through so much anxiety, so much frustration, depression and emotional pain to the extent that I feel that if I had the chance I would choose to mend my relationship with him than my best friend. I cannot be her best friend in the committed way she wants me to so I don’t think I would be seriously bothered if we weren’t so close anymore.
- But anyway, through this entire essay I have just written the question is so simple; what should I do? I am desperate for some objective advice!
Thank you so much for reading this
Απάντηση
First I would like to thank you for asking our advice.
In your letter the main question is how you can mend your broken relationship with your friend. Reading your letter makes me feel that is not clarified what relationship exactly you want to have with your friend. On one hand, you are describing the relationship you used to have as a ’best friends’ relationship regarding how you were spending your time, the way you were dancing and talking and all the things that best friends do. On the other hand, you are revealing your secret yearning for him something that you have not shared with anyone.
Additionally, you mention that you are not yourself anymore, you do not care about your needs and you have lost your optimism, independence and happiness. It is very positive the fact that you have recognized the changes on yourself because of the obsession, as you call it, to win your friend’s interest again. It is also positive that you want to be you again. I have the opinion that this is the most significant issue you must solve. Not paying attention in you, does not help you to clarify what exactly you want and does not rig you with strength in order to reveal what you really feel about him. Your priorities should be your needs only. I believe that first you should be honest towards your feelings, meaning that you must clarify what you want from him his friendship or his love, and then you should be honest towards your friend. There is nothing to lose if you talk to him with honesty and ask him the reason why he acts different lately. You may think that there is a possibility he feels the same way as you do, so then you could be a couple. But if he is not in love with you, at least you will feel relieved knowing his feelings.
In also, it would be wise to talk to your girlfriend with whom you had I fight in order to support you in every decision you may make. A good friend is always by your side.
Finishing, for me it is more important to know your feelings and sharing them with others in cases like yours, rather than keeping them secret and wondering about weird behaviors without asking the reason why. Get back your independence, optimism and capacity and then you will be able to deal with everything you might hear from him.
I hope I had triggered some further thoughts in you
S.
In your letter the main question is how you can mend your broken relationship with your friend. Reading your letter makes me feel that is not clarified what relationship exactly you want to have with your friend. On one hand, you are describing the relationship you used to have as a ’best friends’ relationship regarding how you were spending your time, the way you were dancing and talking and all the things that best friends do. On the other hand, you are revealing your secret yearning for him something that you have not shared with anyone.
Additionally, you mention that you are not yourself anymore, you do not care about your needs and you have lost your optimism, independence and happiness. It is very positive the fact that you have recognized the changes on yourself because of the obsession, as you call it, to win your friend’s interest again. It is also positive that you want to be you again. I have the opinion that this is the most significant issue you must solve. Not paying attention in you, does not help you to clarify what exactly you want and does not rig you with strength in order to reveal what you really feel about him. Your priorities should be your needs only. I believe that first you should be honest towards your feelings, meaning that you must clarify what you want from him his friendship or his love, and then you should be honest towards your friend. There is nothing to lose if you talk to him with honesty and ask him the reason why he acts different lately. You may think that there is a possibility he feels the same way as you do, so then you could be a couple. But if he is not in love with you, at least you will feel relieved knowing his feelings.
In also, it would be wise to talk to your girlfriend with whom you had I fight in order to support you in every decision you may make. A good friend is always by your side.
Finishing, for me it is more important to know your feelings and sharing them with others in cases like yours, rather than keeping them secret and wondering about weird behaviors without asking the reason why. Get back your independence, optimism and capacity and then you will be able to deal with everything you might hear from him.
I hope I had triggered some further thoughts in you
S.