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αυτοκτονία επικοινωνία φόβος εξωτερική εμφάνιση κιλά σωματικό βάρος αποδοχή απομόνωση μοναξιά άγχος πίεση ομοφυλοφιλία σεξουαλική ταυτότητα διάβασμα ανεργία none
Ερώτηση
Hello.
I am 25 years old female. I work in tv production most of my time 'cause that job require a lot of time and work.
But the problem i would appriciate you could help me with is not my job, actually that works pretty much fine...it is my relationship.
You see... I've been in a relationship for 4 years. Me and my fiance are working at the same firm and we see each other almost every day most of the day, except those days when he's visiting his father who lives alone on the other side of the city.
The problem in our relationship is not him... it is me.
I am aware of the fact that I'm very temperament and stubborn girl who likes to keep strings of my life in my own hands. Maybe I want it a bit too much, too.
Well...
Our communication problem started to appear 2 and a half years ago when i found out that he was im-ing an ex girlfrend, sending her and receiving very disturbing, actually inappropriate mails and instant messages containing explicit text and pictures. She returned the sam to him, of course.
That almost meant the end of our relationship, but I somehow managed to stay calm, except the situation and talk rationally to him, so we faced the problem and the deal was that something like that will never happened again.
I know it was not a physical cheating, maybe some way of a psychological one, I don't know...but though I decided to get it over, one part of me still wanted a revenge.what he
So, I started to be, well let's say, mean to him. I wanted him to feel bad whenever it's possible and I did everything possible to make him feel guilty and miserable in every aspect of his life. Very bad, I know, but i wanted him to suffer emotionally.
I never wanted to do the same thing he did to me, I wanted that the emotionally suffering that he felt is constant...
Well, it's been 2 and a half years since that thing with him and his ex girlfriend happened. I started to realize that it was enough of me hurting him that way, and really want to stop it... 'cause in those last few years i believe he's really living his promise of not hurting me that or any similar way again.
But the problem is that it got so deep under my skin that I now unconsciously do it. I can not talk to him normal like I should, I don't notice that things bother him 'cause once i was missing them on purpose... I yell, react on things that are not important at all very very furiously.
My relationship is falling apart and I want to change it.
I don't want to be mean and senseless any more, what I did was wrong... maybe i should of left him better then did all that to him.
But in all this time of me hurting him I realised that I want to be with him, that inspite of everything he means a lot to me and i love him.
I need an advice - how to stop emotionally hurting him. 'Cause i don't know how to do it by myself.
Can you help me? Advice me? Do anything to show me the way...
Thank you in advance.
C
I am 25 years old female. I work in tv production most of my time 'cause that job require a lot of time and work.
But the problem i would appriciate you could help me with is not my job, actually that works pretty much fine...it is my relationship.
You see... I've been in a relationship for 4 years. Me and my fiance are working at the same firm and we see each other almost every day most of the day, except those days when he's visiting his father who lives alone on the other side of the city.
The problem in our relationship is not him... it is me.
I am aware of the fact that I'm very temperament and stubborn girl who likes to keep strings of my life in my own hands. Maybe I want it a bit too much, too.
Well...
Our communication problem started to appear 2 and a half years ago when i found out that he was im-ing an ex girlfrend, sending her and receiving very disturbing, actually inappropriate mails and instant messages containing explicit text and pictures. She returned the sam to him, of course.
That almost meant the end of our relationship, but I somehow managed to stay calm, except the situation and talk rationally to him, so we faced the problem and the deal was that something like that will never happened again.
I know it was not a physical cheating, maybe some way of a psychological one, I don't know...but though I decided to get it over, one part of me still wanted a revenge.what he
So, I started to be, well let's say, mean to him. I wanted him to feel bad whenever it's possible and I did everything possible to make him feel guilty and miserable in every aspect of his life. Very bad, I know, but i wanted him to suffer emotionally.
I never wanted to do the same thing he did to me, I wanted that the emotionally suffering that he felt is constant...
Well, it's been 2 and a half years since that thing with him and his ex girlfriend happened. I started to realize that it was enough of me hurting him that way, and really want to stop it... 'cause in those last few years i believe he's really living his promise of not hurting me that or any similar way again.
But the problem is that it got so deep under my skin that I now unconsciously do it. I can not talk to him normal like I should, I don't notice that things bother him 'cause once i was missing them on purpose... I yell, react on things that are not important at all very very furiously.
My relationship is falling apart and I want to change it.
I don't want to be mean and senseless any more, what I did was wrong... maybe i should of left him better then did all that to him.
But in all this time of me hurting him I realised that I want to be with him, that inspite of everything he means a lot to me and i love him.
I need an advice - how to stop emotionally hurting him. 'Cause i don't know how to do it by myself.
Can you help me? Advice me? Do anything to show me the way...
Thank you in advance.
C
Απάντηση
Dear C,
Thank you for sharing the concerns regarding your relationship with E-Help. To acknowledge a problem is always a first step towards finding a solution.
From what you have written I understand that you experience feelings of guilt connected with the way you behave to your boyfriend. He has hurt you in the past and you wanted to punish him by making him suffer; now you want to learn how to rectify the situation. In the letter, you do not mention what is your boyfriend’s opinion about your behavior. Two and a half years ago, when you experienced problems in the relationship, you and your partner discussed rationally about what was going on. Have you, recently, talked about your feelings, your behavior, your need to make him feel guilty? It is important to be open and to communicate emotions, feelings and thoughts. It is also essential that you reflect on your feelings regarding what has happened in the past and clarify whether or not you truly forgave your boyfriend. Moreover, you can also observe in which moments you become furious with your boyfriend. Does it happen all the time? What triggers your behavior? In these two and a half years, have there been times when you didn’t feel the need to make him suffer? What was different then?
Another thing that you can reflect on is whether at work you behave in same way with your boyfriend as you do at home. If you do, does it affect your work? If you don’t, why do you think that happens?
There is an exercise that you can do with your boyfriend, which can help clarify your feelings. I’ll give you the beginning of some sentences and both of you finish them, according to your feelings. It is recommended to write down the phrases.
1. When my partner and I are fighting, I behave….
2. When my partner and I are fighting, my partner behaves like this …..
3. When my partner reacts as I described I feel….
4. When I feel like that, I see myself as….
5. When I feel like that I miss…., I feel the need to….
6. When I behave the way I do, I assume my partner feels….
After you finish the phrases, you exchange papers with your partner and you can talk about what each has written. This exercise can help you understand your feelings and those of your partner.
I hope this answer is helpful and that now you are able to find the path toward mutual understanding. If you feel that the problem persists, remember that you and your boyfriend can begin couple’s therapy. In this way, a therapist will assist you into finding the solution to your problems. In any case, if you feel the need, in the future, please do not hesitate to contact E-Help and write us about your worries and concerns.
Take care
C.N.
Thank you for sharing the concerns regarding your relationship with E-Help. To acknowledge a problem is always a first step towards finding a solution.
From what you have written I understand that you experience feelings of guilt connected with the way you behave to your boyfriend. He has hurt you in the past and you wanted to punish him by making him suffer; now you want to learn how to rectify the situation. In the letter, you do not mention what is your boyfriend’s opinion about your behavior. Two and a half years ago, when you experienced problems in the relationship, you and your partner discussed rationally about what was going on. Have you, recently, talked about your feelings, your behavior, your need to make him feel guilty? It is important to be open and to communicate emotions, feelings and thoughts. It is also essential that you reflect on your feelings regarding what has happened in the past and clarify whether or not you truly forgave your boyfriend. Moreover, you can also observe in which moments you become furious with your boyfriend. Does it happen all the time? What triggers your behavior? In these two and a half years, have there been times when you didn’t feel the need to make him suffer? What was different then?
Another thing that you can reflect on is whether at work you behave in same way with your boyfriend as you do at home. If you do, does it affect your work? If you don’t, why do you think that happens?
There is an exercise that you can do with your boyfriend, which can help clarify your feelings. I’ll give you the beginning of some sentences and both of you finish them, according to your feelings. It is recommended to write down the phrases.
1. When my partner and I are fighting, I behave….
2. When my partner and I are fighting, my partner behaves like this …..
3. When my partner reacts as I described I feel….
4. When I feel like that, I see myself as….
5. When I feel like that I miss…., I feel the need to….
6. When I behave the way I do, I assume my partner feels….
After you finish the phrases, you exchange papers with your partner and you can talk about what each has written. This exercise can help you understand your feelings and those of your partner.
I hope this answer is helpful and that now you are able to find the path toward mutual understanding. If you feel that the problem persists, remember that you and your boyfriend can begin couple’s therapy. In this way, a therapist will assist you into finding the solution to your problems. In any case, if you feel the need, in the future, please do not hesitate to contact E-Help and write us about your worries and concerns.
Take care
C.N.