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αυτοκτονία επικοινωνία φόβος εξωτερική εμφάνιση κιλά σωματικό βάρος αποδοχή απομόνωση μοναξιά άγχος πίεση ομοφυλοφιλία σεξουαλική ταυτότητα διάβασμα ανεργία none
Ερώτηση
Hello,
Me and my husband are married for 6 years. We have 2 kids. I am 35, he is 54. I love him.
He is not working for last 5 years, staying at home, looking after kids, cooking, etc. I am running not very successful business, which does not make any money, but takes a lot of my time and stress. Really we live on his savings, i can not sleep at night, thinking about everything. I was trying to find extra job to get some money in to family, but did not get any success. My husband does not trying to get the job... He has a dream of moving to another country, but i am afraid, because hi did not want to get any job all these years, which been hard for us. How can i trust him to take whole family overseas only with very little money, without knowing the language, but with very ambitious plans to make lots of money somehow. Everyone think it is crazy idea except for my husband. I am exhausted, tired to struggle, tired of hoping for the best, I dont care now if we are going or staying, i am just tired. I am not loved, I am not succesful, I dont see my kids very much. Some time I think that he may be want me to moove over there together with him and then leave me? He loves our kids, and if we would separate now, I would definitely stay in this country, and keep kids here. May be this why he is so calm and quite, does want any compromises write now, because he still needs me to moove kids to his dream-country. I just can not see that he loves me or has any interest in me.
We live together, talk about everyday things, kids, but it feels like we are roommates, not husband and wife. We don't sleep together for 4 years now. We don't have sex for months, longest was about a year. In the mean time he likes watching models on TV, lately i found out that he is visiting freewebcam website and probably chating with women there. I dont know how long it has been going for, may be all this years. I am approaching him to have sex time to time (always me, he never show his interest first along this 6 years), but he refuses it. I am asking for hug or kiss some time, he never do it without me asking him. I do say I love you to him, and it is only time when i hear it from him, just as an answer: I love you too. I feel worthless, lonely, unattractive ... i feel that my love to him is breaking in to pieces. He always stressed or tired to make love to me, but always available to have fun with those women. I dont trust him anymore, i think as soon as would have chance to cheat on me in real life hi will do, or may be he already did. He is a good actor, you would never guess what is on his mind. What do i do? Sometime i just want to end this worthless life of mine
Me and my husband are married for 6 years. We have 2 kids. I am 35, he is 54. I love him.
He is not working for last 5 years, staying at home, looking after kids, cooking, etc. I am running not very successful business, which does not make any money, but takes a lot of my time and stress. Really we live on his savings, i can not sleep at night, thinking about everything. I was trying to find extra job to get some money in to family, but did not get any success. My husband does not trying to get the job... He has a dream of moving to another country, but i am afraid, because hi did not want to get any job all these years, which been hard for us. How can i trust him to take whole family overseas only with very little money, without knowing the language, but with very ambitious plans to make lots of money somehow. Everyone think it is crazy idea except for my husband. I am exhausted, tired to struggle, tired of hoping for the best, I dont care now if we are going or staying, i am just tired. I am not loved, I am not succesful, I dont see my kids very much. Some time I think that he may be want me to moove over there together with him and then leave me? He loves our kids, and if we would separate now, I would definitely stay in this country, and keep kids here. May be this why he is so calm and quite, does want any compromises write now, because he still needs me to moove kids to his dream-country. I just can not see that he loves me or has any interest in me.
We live together, talk about everyday things, kids, but it feels like we are roommates, not husband and wife. We don't sleep together for 4 years now. We don't have sex for months, longest was about a year. In the mean time he likes watching models on TV, lately i found out that he is visiting freewebcam website and probably chating with women there. I dont know how long it has been going for, may be all this years. I am approaching him to have sex time to time (always me, he never show his interest first along this 6 years), but he refuses it. I am asking for hug or kiss some time, he never do it without me asking him. I do say I love you to him, and it is only time when i hear it from him, just as an answer: I love you too. I feel worthless, lonely, unattractive ... i feel that my love to him is breaking in to pieces. He always stressed or tired to make love to me, but always available to have fun with those women. I dont trust him anymore, i think as soon as would have chance to cheat on me in real life hi will do, or may be he already did. He is a good actor, you would never guess what is on his mind. What do i do? Sometime i just want to end this worthless life of mine
Απάντηση
Dear friend,
I am very glad you did write to us, and I think that you need to see your situation from an outside point of view. Although, I am surprised how well and objective you are able to think about the emotional things in which you take part.
I just want to support your perspective, as I think that you are right in most of the things you mentioned. If your husband didn’t work for the last 5 years, that shows his motivation on that manner. I know it is hard to find a job, especially in his age, but his lack of initiative most certainly points to the idea that he will not seriously search for a job in the future neither.
He is living in the illusion that somewhere else “the grass is greener” and he is waiting for the moment of moving out, but he doesn’t have a solid plan that could really make him successful through the process of moving from the country and finding a better life. Maybe it is a good idea that he goes and pursue his plans, and if he proves successful, you can decide to follow and come to him after a while.
Anyway, before that you should put on paper what does it really mean that you love him? You are not close, you are not sharing, he is not helping you (on contrary he seems like making it harder for you), you are not intimate and you feel alone and not loved. From that point, you can not feel worse if you leave him, as you already feel like that. But staying in the situation means being stuck with these emotions, and leaving from the situation means giving a chance for the emotions to pass, and for some new, better to come. You are still young and you can have another chance in your life to be appreciated and loved.
It seems that you see the situation very clearly, but you lack the motivation to do something about it. I am wondering why. Is it maybe that you still love him and find it difficult to admit the things you clearly feel? Maybe you feel frightened about the future and how would you manage things on your own. But it seems that you are already providing enough for you and your children. Is there anybody from your family and friends who can help you in the first period? Anyway, think through all the available resources you have. What would help you a lot is if you go to some additional psychological counselling. Your psychotherapist could be of much help to you in the situation like this.
I just want to reflect on your words that you describe, and it seems like you are already out of your relationship, than why stay in it and holding your self down? For the fear of new? For insecurity? For what might other people say? These are all general reasons, you should find your own reason that is most scaring you and keep you in the relationship you are not happy with. General rules about the children in this situation is that children are happy when parents are happy, so they will be the best if you take care of the situation in the way that you ensure your happiness, staying in bad marriage is just a bad example for children. This are all big steps, and maybe you are not ready for it, so give yourself more time. My only advice is not to move in another country with him, because I trust your instinct that maybe that way you can loose your children, and that is the only thing you can not allow to happen.
Please, feel free to share more thoughts with us, if you feel the need.
Best,
Narja
I am very glad you did write to us, and I think that you need to see your situation from an outside point of view. Although, I am surprised how well and objective you are able to think about the emotional things in which you take part.
I just want to support your perspective, as I think that you are right in most of the things you mentioned. If your husband didn’t work for the last 5 years, that shows his motivation on that manner. I know it is hard to find a job, especially in his age, but his lack of initiative most certainly points to the idea that he will not seriously search for a job in the future neither.
He is living in the illusion that somewhere else “the grass is greener” and he is waiting for the moment of moving out, but he doesn’t have a solid plan that could really make him successful through the process of moving from the country and finding a better life. Maybe it is a good idea that he goes and pursue his plans, and if he proves successful, you can decide to follow and come to him after a while.
Anyway, before that you should put on paper what does it really mean that you love him? You are not close, you are not sharing, he is not helping you (on contrary he seems like making it harder for you), you are not intimate and you feel alone and not loved. From that point, you can not feel worse if you leave him, as you already feel like that. But staying in the situation means being stuck with these emotions, and leaving from the situation means giving a chance for the emotions to pass, and for some new, better to come. You are still young and you can have another chance in your life to be appreciated and loved.
It seems that you see the situation very clearly, but you lack the motivation to do something about it. I am wondering why. Is it maybe that you still love him and find it difficult to admit the things you clearly feel? Maybe you feel frightened about the future and how would you manage things on your own. But it seems that you are already providing enough for you and your children. Is there anybody from your family and friends who can help you in the first period? Anyway, think through all the available resources you have. What would help you a lot is if you go to some additional psychological counselling. Your psychotherapist could be of much help to you in the situation like this.
I just want to reflect on your words that you describe, and it seems like you are already out of your relationship, than why stay in it and holding your self down? For the fear of new? For insecurity? For what might other people say? These are all general reasons, you should find your own reason that is most scaring you and keep you in the relationship you are not happy with. General rules about the children in this situation is that children are happy when parents are happy, so they will be the best if you take care of the situation in the way that you ensure your happiness, staying in bad marriage is just a bad example for children. This are all big steps, and maybe you are not ready for it, so give yourself more time. My only advice is not to move in another country with him, because I trust your instinct that maybe that way you can loose your children, and that is the only thing you can not allow to happen.
Please, feel free to share more thoughts with us, if you feel the need.
Best,
Narja