Dear A.,

Thank you for writing and sharing what you’re going through with us. It has taken a lot of courage to write and acknowledge your feelings and actions in the way you have. I can appreciate how hard it must have been for you when your friend decided to end your four-year friendship after disclosing your love for him. It is difficult for me to understand exactly how you feel about the loss, as you don’t mention the nature of your relationship over the four years and what prompted you to disclose your feelings towards him. For example, did you feel that you were compatible, were there any issues between you that led to frequent conflicts, at which point did you go from seeing him as a friend to being in love with him? Assessing the quality of your relationship will help you realise whether continuing to be with him as your boyfriend would have given you long-term relationship satisfaction and met your needs as a human being.

What is happening to you at the moment is that you’re struggling with intense, overwhelming feelings associated with losing your friend. This has left you very vulnerable and struggling with feelings you can’t manage on your own. You seem very aware of the link between your feelings and cutting yourself. It is very important to understand your behaviour and the function it serves. You have been trying in your own way to desperately distract yourself from and decrease feelings that are painful to you. As you say in your letter, you find relief after engaging in cutting. That is one of the reasons that is maintaining your cutting behaviours. However, this relief is only short-lived, lowers your self-esteem and can potentially have fatal results. It is important to be aware of what triggers your self-injurious behaviours. Becoming aware of how your thoughts affect your emotions and subsequently your behaviours will help you have more control over deciding how to deal with stressful events. You could begin by paying more attention to what you’re telling yourself by recording the following in a daily journal: the thought you’re having, the situation in which you’re having the thought, and the subsequent behaviour. Soon you’ll see a pattern forming and you’ll realise how you are perpetuating these behaviours that you say you want to stop. You will soon be able to identify the triggers leading to your unwanted behaviour and choose to replace it with other behaviours which will give you more control over the situation and feelings.

Instead of choosing to cut yourself, you could choose to use alternative ways of stopping, controlling and managing unwanted or intense emotions. You could take up a sport or hobby that you find enjoyable and will give you the opportunity to experience more positive emotions and give you the relief you so desperately need. If you engage in these more functional activities long-enough, you will ‘automatically’ be seeking them as a replacement to your dysfunctional choice of relief. You could also try enhancing relationships with friends and family. The support you will be able to get from people who care for you is invaluable. The more you open up to them, the more chances you will have of forming meaningful relationships that are based on mutual respect and honesty. Re-evaluating your relationship with your friend in an honest way will also help you move on and make you more aware of your priorities in your choice of future partner.

Using extreme behaviours like cutting yourself is also very often an attempt to seek help from those close to us and make them notice what we’re going through. What usually happens is they feel overwhelmed and incapable of understanding you of knowing how to help you. You will find that your friends and loved ones will be more sympathetic and available to you if you communicate with them in an open way, by expressing how you feel and telling them what they can do to help you.

Soon you will find that you will identify with and value other behaviours as an effective way to find relief. These will eventually take the place of your previously valued high-intensity cutting behaviours.

While you are working on more effectively regulating your emotions, you could use some self-soothing techniques that mimic your self-injurious behaviours without actually causing any bodily harm. You could engage in snapping a rubber band or rubbing a toothbrush on your skin. This will provide temporary relief (in place of actually cutting) until you have gained control of your emotions and learned how to manage them.

There are going to be many positive things happening to you in your life and you have a lot to look forward to. Along the way, you will be faced with other challenging life events that will be stressful to you. Life for all of us is never always smooth sailing. The more we become aware of our own inner thoughts and needs, the more capable we will feel of dealing with stressful events and pursuing our goals in a confident and purposeful manner.

What you are going through must be very painful and challenging for you. I hope that what I have shared with has helped. However, I feel that you will need the support of your family. If that is not available, I would advise you to seek help from a professional in your area so that you can be provided with the support and encouragement you will be needing.

Good luck

Yours

D.S.