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Ερώτηση
I am a 21 year old and male.
When I was very young (I am not sure of my exact age), me and brother who is about 16 months older than me started to engage in "exploratory" behavior. The content of the actions became more sexual with time. When we found out that this behavior was forbidden in religion, we stopped. This was around 8-10 years ago. But occasional incidents occurred after that and it was ritualized to avoid guilt. Sometimes, my brother would compel me to help him masturbate etc. He would cover his penis with a cloth (this, I suspect, was his way to reduce the guilt) and had me rub it. I remember a few times when I had to beg my brother. Two particular incidents stand out in memory: Once when I had begged him to do it "for the last time" - this was a long time ago and I was only a child then. Again, about 7 or 8 years ago, my brother asked me let him perform oral activity (in darkness). This was done twice or thrice and he promised to "pay me money" (but I suspect that was neither his intention nor my conscious motivation) Even today, my brother repeatedly mocks me by reminding these and I feel extremely guilty.
But these activities too ceased soon.
Apart from these, I consider myself a virgin. I have never had a sexual encounter due to my severe social anxiety etc. and I suspect from my severe inferiority complex due to a facial deformity (mandibular prognathism which I will be surgically correcting in the near future.) I always considered my self a heterosexual due to my instinctive attraction to women and heterosexual fantasies. All my sexual dreams have been of heterosexual nature. (I frequently have dreams about sex with my mother but I guess this is normal and universal).
Recently, after a much self-analysis and introspection, I realized my extreme narcissism, obsessive behavior and attitude, indecisiveness, procrastination, extreme thinking, neurotic perfectionism, extreme privacy/secrecy, isolation, social anxiety etc. This is a general overview of my personality:
I am extremely sensitive about my image (I suspect this has something to do with my deformity) in public - this isn't just about physical appearance. I compulsively lie in order to exaggerate my worth in the eyes of other people. I create fake identities on the internet to boost my personal image. For example, I frequently pretend to be from a very advanced European country rather than from India (I despise India and Indians). I create fake profiles of beautiful women to add to my profile to show that women are attracted to me. I even created a long term fake relationship with all the details to show myself off. I do such things compulsively and repeatedly and I suspect there is not a single day in my life when I have not created a fake story to boost my image. I can not take criticism - even slight. Even "minor" things make me self conscious. For example, if when using an internet forum, if someone criticizes my argument, I get extremely self-conscious and delete all my posts and all traces of my existence on that forum.
I am obsessed with absolute perfection, precision and detail. So I procrastinate a lot and I am never satisfied with my work even if the concerned people say it is good. "It is never too precise". "If it's not perfect, it's worthless". My thinking is always extreme. For example, I think "I am going to read ***********. It is going to be the closest humanly possible reading. Not even that... it is going to be the closest possible reading. No.. it is going to be _the_ perfect reading. _The_ Perfect" and so on. Thoughts of this sort are constantly in my head. In fact, I deliberately try to imagine the most extreme possible thought about a thing and I do this till my head literally hurts.
I am also obsessed with ritual cleaning etc. I clean my computer of history and temporary files etc. This seems normal. But then I wasted hours of time finding the mose effective software. And I run the whole cleaner repeatedly for hours at end. The same applies to disk defragmentation. I do this hundreds of times even if it becomes useless. Then I reboot my computer and start repeating. The same goes for washing utensils. I scrub them repeatedly for a long time methodically and repeatedly.
I am also very obsessed with my privacy. I get extremely anxious when someone enters my room or if there are signs that someone did. I rarely speak except to my mother or brother (I dislike my father).
I have a very narrow range of interests. I only like Western Classical music (primarily Beethoven), pink floyd and Stanley Kubrick films. I am obsessed with Stanley Kubrick and his films. I have seen 2001: A space Odyssey a over 50 times in tightly controlled environments with no distractions (at 1 in the night).
I suffer from extreme social anxiety. I could never make eye contact with any one for more than a few milliseconds and even that makes me extremely uncomfortable. I never initiate a conversation in real life and an sit isolated at parties. I have great trouble initiating conversations online even with a fake profile.
Apart from these, I have an INTP personality type and Asperger's Syndrome.
To get to the root my my unhealthy behavior, I tried self analysis - at first suspecting excessive parental fondness as a cause of narcissism. By this time, I had "lost" all memories of my childhood sexual activities. But then during my introspective sessions, these began to recover and I deliberately made no effort to suppress them - to see where this leads on the premise that these may be the cause of my behavior. But something changed. My level of attraction to women has decreased clearly and attraction to men has increased - or so I suspect.
My question is, how does all this add up? Do I need to help? What can I do on my own?
I have been under severe depression (and occasional suicidal _tendencies_) periodically due to education stress in the past three years but I suspect this has nothing to do with anything I said above (or does it?). What exactly happened is I joined a prestigious university based on good scores in the admission test and a good interview (I believe I am good at making a first impression on people). Things went well for a few weeks. Then I started to open up a little to the other students. At the freshers' welcoming event, I showed off my acting skills and everyone was impressed. I received uninitiated compliments. This boosted my self-confidence and I started to act confident. I developed a good degree of intimacy with a girl. I suspect that the both of us liked each other secretly. Then during a laboratory session, a professor criticized me for no good reason. I suspect he singled me out. I then started leaving out the labs of this subject. I even missed the finals. I went and stood before the lab but never entered it. I just walked away. Then the next semester, I started skipping more all labs. I never attended a lab after a few weeks. I only appeared to the written final exams. Then the next semester, when I submitted my registration form, I was told that I was not qualified. I never attended a single class again. To add to this misery, my bicycle was stolen. I had kept it there for moving around in the university and took a bus back home. It was my brother's bicycle. I was devastated. It has been an year and a half since. I never told my parents or brother about this. I just pretend to go to college and sit in the library reading. My career is ruined, I suspect. I am extremely depressed. This is interrupted by phases of extreme positiveness and optimism but reality soon overtakes. My relation with the girl was ruined, I suspect, by another girl who had a crush on me. She secretly fed lies about me to the girl I like. Now she hates me. This is the closest I got to being in a relationship.
Are all these connected? Is there a way to help myself
When I was very young (I am not sure of my exact age), me and brother who is about 16 months older than me started to engage in "exploratory" behavior. The content of the actions became more sexual with time. When we found out that this behavior was forbidden in religion, we stopped. This was around 8-10 years ago. But occasional incidents occurred after that and it was ritualized to avoid guilt. Sometimes, my brother would compel me to help him masturbate etc. He would cover his penis with a cloth (this, I suspect, was his way to reduce the guilt) and had me rub it. I remember a few times when I had to beg my brother. Two particular incidents stand out in memory: Once when I had begged him to do it "for the last time" - this was a long time ago and I was only a child then. Again, about 7 or 8 years ago, my brother asked me let him perform oral activity (in darkness). This was done twice or thrice and he promised to "pay me money" (but I suspect that was neither his intention nor my conscious motivation) Even today, my brother repeatedly mocks me by reminding these and I feel extremely guilty.
But these activities too ceased soon.
Apart from these, I consider myself a virgin. I have never had a sexual encounter due to my severe social anxiety etc. and I suspect from my severe inferiority complex due to a facial deformity (mandibular prognathism which I will be surgically correcting in the near future.) I always considered my self a heterosexual due to my instinctive attraction to women and heterosexual fantasies. All my sexual dreams have been of heterosexual nature. (I frequently have dreams about sex with my mother but I guess this is normal and universal).
Recently, after a much self-analysis and introspection, I realized my extreme narcissism, obsessive behavior and attitude, indecisiveness, procrastination, extreme thinking, neurotic perfectionism, extreme privacy/secrecy, isolation, social anxiety etc. This is a general overview of my personality:
I am extremely sensitive about my image (I suspect this has something to do with my deformity) in public - this isn't just about physical appearance. I compulsively lie in order to exaggerate my worth in the eyes of other people. I create fake identities on the internet to boost my personal image. For example, I frequently pretend to be from a very advanced European country rather than from India (I despise India and Indians). I create fake profiles of beautiful women to add to my profile to show that women are attracted to me. I even created a long term fake relationship with all the details to show myself off. I do such things compulsively and repeatedly and I suspect there is not a single day in my life when I have not created a fake story to boost my image. I can not take criticism - even slight. Even "minor" things make me self conscious. For example, if when using an internet forum, if someone criticizes my argument, I get extremely self-conscious and delete all my posts and all traces of my existence on that forum.
I am obsessed with absolute perfection, precision and detail. So I procrastinate a lot and I am never satisfied with my work even if the concerned people say it is good. "It is never too precise". "If it's not perfect, it's worthless". My thinking is always extreme. For example, I think "I am going to read ***********. It is going to be the closest humanly possible reading. Not even that... it is going to be the closest possible reading. No.. it is going to be _the_ perfect reading. _The_ Perfect" and so on. Thoughts of this sort are constantly in my head. In fact, I deliberately try to imagine the most extreme possible thought about a thing and I do this till my head literally hurts.
I am also obsessed with ritual cleaning etc. I clean my computer of history and temporary files etc. This seems normal. But then I wasted hours of time finding the mose effective software. And I run the whole cleaner repeatedly for hours at end. The same applies to disk defragmentation. I do this hundreds of times even if it becomes useless. Then I reboot my computer and start repeating. The same goes for washing utensils. I scrub them repeatedly for a long time methodically and repeatedly.
I am also very obsessed with my privacy. I get extremely anxious when someone enters my room or if there are signs that someone did. I rarely speak except to my mother or brother (I dislike my father).
I have a very narrow range of interests. I only like Western Classical music (primarily Beethoven), pink floyd and Stanley Kubrick films. I am obsessed with Stanley Kubrick and his films. I have seen 2001: A space Odyssey a over 50 times in tightly controlled environments with no distractions (at 1 in the night).
I suffer from extreme social anxiety. I could never make eye contact with any one for more than a few milliseconds and even that makes me extremely uncomfortable. I never initiate a conversation in real life and an sit isolated at parties. I have great trouble initiating conversations online even with a fake profile.
Apart from these, I have an INTP personality type and Asperger's Syndrome.
To get to the root my my unhealthy behavior, I tried self analysis - at first suspecting excessive parental fondness as a cause of narcissism. By this time, I had "lost" all memories of my childhood sexual activities. But then during my introspective sessions, these began to recover and I deliberately made no effort to suppress them - to see where this leads on the premise that these may be the cause of my behavior. But something changed. My level of attraction to women has decreased clearly and attraction to men has increased - or so I suspect.
My question is, how does all this add up? Do I need to help? What can I do on my own?
I have been under severe depression (and occasional suicidal _tendencies_) periodically due to education stress in the past three years but I suspect this has nothing to do with anything I said above (or does it?). What exactly happened is I joined a prestigious university based on good scores in the admission test and a good interview (I believe I am good at making a first impression on people). Things went well for a few weeks. Then I started to open up a little to the other students. At the freshers' welcoming event, I showed off my acting skills and everyone was impressed. I received uninitiated compliments. This boosted my self-confidence and I started to act confident. I developed a good degree of intimacy with a girl. I suspect that the both of us liked each other secretly. Then during a laboratory session, a professor criticized me for no good reason. I suspect he singled me out. I then started leaving out the labs of this subject. I even missed the finals. I went and stood before the lab but never entered it. I just walked away. Then the next semester, I started skipping more all labs. I never attended a lab after a few weeks. I only appeared to the written final exams. Then the next semester, when I submitted my registration form, I was told that I was not qualified. I never attended a single class again. To add to this misery, my bicycle was stolen. I had kept it there for moving around in the university and took a bus back home. It was my brother's bicycle. I was devastated. It has been an year and a half since. I never told my parents or brother about this. I just pretend to go to college and sit in the library reading. My career is ruined, I suspect. I am extremely depressed. This is interrupted by phases of extreme positiveness and optimism but reality soon overtakes. My relation with the girl was ruined, I suspect, by another girl who had a crush on me. She secretly fed lies about me to the girl I like. Now she hates me. This is the closest I got to being in a relationship.
Are all these connected? Is there a way to help myself
Απάντηση
Dear X,
Thank you for writing. You are clearly in great distress and need to deal with a number of issues, which are preventing you from living a more meaningful life. I can only give you some guidelines, which will help you become aware of your conflicts. However, I suggest you see a counsellor in your area so that, together, you can work through them.
You seem to be very hard on yourself concerning your perfectionism, which seems to have resulted in compulsive behaviours. The anxiety you are feeling is expressed in these behaviours, which can only give you temporary ‘relief’. In reality, they are a way to avoid what’s really troubling you. For example, your fear of being rejected, which has led to a need to portray yourself as someone else. However, it is only when we accept ourselves the way we are, that we feel self-confident. You seem to have strong beliefs about what is good and what isn’t, what you should and shouldn’t do, instead of focusing on your desires. These beliefs give rise to negative emotions, which in turn affect your behaviour. It is important for you to become aware of this connection and learn to live by a more realistic belief system. For example, what is wrong with being Indian? If you re-examine your thoughts on different issues which are troubling you, you may find that they are not as catastrophic as you make them up to be. Another example is your feelings of being rejected by the lecturer. Could it be that the lecturer had another reason for criticizing you and not that he didn’t respect you? As you say, you only suspected that he singled you out. Try to become aware of your ‘automatic’ thoughts when you find yourself feeling rejected. Write them down in a journal, together with the situation in which it occurred. Soon a pattern will develop, which will help you become aware of your defeating thoughts, which you can then change into more useful thoughts.
You seem to have isolated yourself from your family and have no meaningful relationships socially. Loneliness often leads to feelings of helplessness, rejection, low self-esteem, and desperation. You mention that you have Asperger’s, which may be responsible for some of the social issues you may be having. Seeing a professional could help you to develop social skills, which will help you communicate better and get on with others.
Feeling depressed and suicidal are the results of unresolved conflicts. One of these could also be that you are torn between the culture you live in (society) and the culture you are brought up in (your family). This could explain the guilt you’re having about past behaviours, and shame you feel toward your own culture and family. Seeing a counsellor could help you create an identity for yourself which will be more satisfying and acceptable to you, and at the same time not lead to friction with or rejection from your family. From what you have written, it seems that you want to live a fuller life - have more confidence, meaningful relationships, and a future with a bright career. I have only provided some thoughts based on what you’ve told me. There are counselling services at every university, which can help and support you. These services are accessible to all students and your anonymity is protected. If your university doesn’t provide such services, they will give you information about where you can access them. I sincerely hope you get in touch with them.
Good luck
D.S.
Thank you for writing. You are clearly in great distress and need to deal with a number of issues, which are preventing you from living a more meaningful life. I can only give you some guidelines, which will help you become aware of your conflicts. However, I suggest you see a counsellor in your area so that, together, you can work through them.
You seem to be very hard on yourself concerning your perfectionism, which seems to have resulted in compulsive behaviours. The anxiety you are feeling is expressed in these behaviours, which can only give you temporary ‘relief’. In reality, they are a way to avoid what’s really troubling you. For example, your fear of being rejected, which has led to a need to portray yourself as someone else. However, it is only when we accept ourselves the way we are, that we feel self-confident. You seem to have strong beliefs about what is good and what isn’t, what you should and shouldn’t do, instead of focusing on your desires. These beliefs give rise to negative emotions, which in turn affect your behaviour. It is important for you to become aware of this connection and learn to live by a more realistic belief system. For example, what is wrong with being Indian? If you re-examine your thoughts on different issues which are troubling you, you may find that they are not as catastrophic as you make them up to be. Another example is your feelings of being rejected by the lecturer. Could it be that the lecturer had another reason for criticizing you and not that he didn’t respect you? As you say, you only suspected that he singled you out. Try to become aware of your ‘automatic’ thoughts when you find yourself feeling rejected. Write them down in a journal, together with the situation in which it occurred. Soon a pattern will develop, which will help you become aware of your defeating thoughts, which you can then change into more useful thoughts.
You seem to have isolated yourself from your family and have no meaningful relationships socially. Loneliness often leads to feelings of helplessness, rejection, low self-esteem, and desperation. You mention that you have Asperger’s, which may be responsible for some of the social issues you may be having. Seeing a professional could help you to develop social skills, which will help you communicate better and get on with others.
Feeling depressed and suicidal are the results of unresolved conflicts. One of these could also be that you are torn between the culture you live in (society) and the culture you are brought up in (your family). This could explain the guilt you’re having about past behaviours, and shame you feel toward your own culture and family. Seeing a counsellor could help you create an identity for yourself which will be more satisfying and acceptable to you, and at the same time not lead to friction with or rejection from your family. From what you have written, it seems that you want to live a fuller life - have more confidence, meaningful relationships, and a future with a bright career. I have only provided some thoughts based on what you’ve told me. There are counselling services at every university, which can help and support you. These services are accessible to all students and your anonymity is protected. If your university doesn’t provide such services, they will give you information about where you can access them. I sincerely hope you get in touch with them.
Good luck
D.S.